- There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who need closure, and
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
- I went to the butchers the other day and he bet me $50 that I couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. I said, No way, the steaks are too high.'
- A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only clear plastic shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
- I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
- What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
- There were two ships One filled with red paint and one filled with blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
- The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
- When I told her she was average, she said I was just being mean.
- A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that
would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.