The first sentences of the worst (hypothetical) novels.
They are from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest (2006). - see <>

With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
- Alice A. Hall, Ft. Wayne, IN

Bunny Berryman belied his name; he was a sour cop with a sour disposition and a face like two-week-old milk forgotten on the back porch step, and he knew it -- he also knew his mother had given him a better name than Bunny, but he'd been called Bunny for so long he'd forgotten exactly what it was.
J. Thompson, Rochester, NH

The most interesting feature about the Reverend Erin F.X. Nagabods, besides the swollen, bulbous nose planted pinkly between ruddy cheeks, above a tightly drawn mouth, and below dark, deep-set eyes, was his name.
- Gregory J. Budzien, Wauwatosa, WI

It didn't matter to Gordon that he couldn't outrun the enraged mother grizzly; all he had to do was outdistance his chubby hiking partner, Fred.
- David Willingham, Georgetown, TN

Seth "Big Horn" McCoy, the grizzled old mountain man who long ago single-handedly tamed this once wild wilderness, making it a safe and decent place to live, was overwhelmed with shame and rejection as he peered out his cabin window at the hundreds of settlers his brave and selfless pioneering labors had brought to this territory, and who now stood a quarter mile away, shouting their demand that he either take a bath or move to the other side of the mountain.
- Dennis McKiernan, Louisville, KY

It was about 11 P.M., Central Standard Time (our story taking place within the boundaries of that particular time zone) and due to a cold front off the Rockies meeting up with a warm front off the Great Lakes there was heavy percipitation in the form of rain, winds gusting up to forty miles per hour, and generally low visability, or in other words, it was a dark and stormy night.
- Moses Montgomery, Winnipeg, Manitoba

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain --- perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
- Jeffrey C. Jahnke, McMinnville, OR

As Maria walked along the beach, the clouds grew angry, the sea raged, the wind howled, and the sand was just plain irritated.
- Jeff Kruse, Van Nuys, CA

It was an unusual sunset, with the sea sucking the sun from the sky, sort of the way a dog might suck the yolk from an egg, but not exactly.
- Anna Jean Mayhew, Chapel Hill, NC

Our story commences with an account of the ghoulish death of the Duke of Breathwaite which, although of litle importance to the main events unfolding herein, establishes the atmosphere quite nicely.
- Michael Haynes, Lantz, Novia Scotia

Just in the nick of time, Dr. Gillespie remembered the insistent lecturing of his old surgery professor: a surgeon must never say, "Ooops!"; a surgeon should always say, "There!"
- Melanie Nickel, San Diego, CA

The mist clung to the mountains the same way a thirteen year-old girl clings to her boyfriend, although the mountain wasn't thinking about "getting lucky."
- Richard Patching, Calgary, Alberta

That scream, that howl, that final shriek just before Egbert died; Gwendolyn had never heard anything so horrible in all her life, but then she had never heard walnut shells in the garbage disposal.
- Claire Ball, Kailua, HI