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Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 3:25:10 EST
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: szielins@us.oracle.com (szielins.US1)
Subject: Field Guide to System Administrators
Keywords: laugh, original, computers
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Lines: 419
Know Your Unix System Administrator
---A Field Guide
There are four major species of Unix sysad:
-
The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced
into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne
shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
-
The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely,
a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.
-
The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither
the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage.
Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors
with indesp schemes.
-
The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer
selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites,
and old COBOL programmers.
How To Identify Your System Administrator:
--SITUATION: Low disk space. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage,
maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via
least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard
deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places
script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature,
either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses
disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks
accounts that go over quota.
MANIAC:
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
IDIOT:
# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress
--SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes,
maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard
deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script
in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing
operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU
quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling
development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
IDIOT:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
--SITUATION: New account creation. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory,
copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd,
/etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid
bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary
is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and
so, no new accounts are ever created.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since
people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the
bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.
MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own
account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains
a**holes on this box anyway."
IDIOT:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
--SITUATION: Root disk fails. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem
from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and
starts script on neighboring machine to load binary boot code into broken
machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over the weekend while
he goes mountain climbing.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who
broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and
charged for the equipment.
MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer
to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field
engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS.
MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen
hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses
bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.
IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
--SITUATION: Poor network response. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires
entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says,
"I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls
up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries
to get xtrek freaks fired.
MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits
for connections to time out.
IDIOT:
# compress -f /dev/en0
--SITUATION: User questions. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new
users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode",
or for that matter, emacs.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains
queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two
weeks of receipt of the proper form.
MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters
knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the
user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.
--SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or
French until user gives up and goes away.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can present
documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.
MANIAC:
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc
alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc'
^D
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits
user to system administration team.
--SITUATION: Process accounting management. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts
to sniff out any problems & compute charges.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting
records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.
MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
IDIOT:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
--SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V. --
TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who
use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes
run quickly.
IDIOT:
# cd c:
--SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX --
TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX--
doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.
MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well
how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
IDIOT: AIX.
--SITUATION: Balky printer daemons. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls
customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who
submitted the most recent job fired.
MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all
the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from
cron.
IDIOT:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
--SITUATION: OS upgrade. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only what
he likes.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor
for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.
MANIAC:
# uptime
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31
# wall
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
^D
IDIOT:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
--SITUATION: Balky mail. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail
in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement
"better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to . .
.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts
that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back
to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.
MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D
IDIOT:
# echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
--SITUATION: Users want phone list application. --
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up
and go back to post-it notes.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to
post-it notes.
MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God
meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to
post-it notes.
IDIOT:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
OTHER GUIDELINES:
-- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE: --
TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output
of a perl script, rewrites itself.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
umask 777
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'
MANIAC: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
IDIOT: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls
alias era rm
alias kitty cat
alias process_table ps
setenv DISPLAY vt100
-- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: --
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes
INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies
old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police
band.
MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits
card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations.
Jams police band.
IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter.
Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.
-- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: --
TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out
at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock
MOTAS.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein Kampf_.
Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks
gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.
MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully attends
Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual reality."
Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black Bush, and grain
alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking
longshoremen under the table .
IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_--
and *believes* them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood
relations--
often succeeds, producting next generation of IDIOTs.
-- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: --
TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because
he liked Tipper.
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
IDIOT: Perot.
-- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: --
TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
IDIOT: Quayle.
Compound System Administrators:
TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts
to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system resources.
Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.
TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring
the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses
nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.
TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner
or later do an "rm -rf /".
FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions,
whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain
detectors and Halon system.
FASCISTIC IDIOT: # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
-Stephan Zielinski
Last Modified: December 01, 1996